Dear Eric: I am a late-20 something. When I told my mom I wanted to go to law school, one of the first things she said to me was that I would most likely never find a life partner.
Of note, I am the only woman in my family in my generation with a college degree. I am also the first attorney in my family. I am now three years into my career. I have been very successful in my work, but woefully unsuccessful in dating. I have tried dating apps. I have tried exploring my hobbies. I have tried asking friends to set me up, all end up fruitless.
When I talk to my friends for advice, they genuinely don't see why I am so unsuccessful in dating. I've never had a healthy relationship, and the longest relationship I've ever had lasted six months. Looking at it objectively, I think my friends fail to realize that we all live in the Deep South, I am Black, and not the traditional standard of beauty set by society. The friends I mention are not Black and have not had to navigate with a double consciousness.
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Ultimately my question is this: What can I do to find love? Moving is not an option for me. -- Lonely Lawyer
Dear Lawyer: Some of this is age and stage -- you've put in the work to establish yourself professionally, which is wonderful. It may feel like you made a tradeoff, but what it shows is an investment in yourself. That's one of the cornerstones of finding a healthy love relationship. If you don't value yourself and show up for yourself, it may be hard to find someone who truly values you.
To that end, if you don't already have a therapist, I'd strongly recommend working with one who is also a Black woman. Making a regular appointment with someone who understands your identity and is trained to help you remember that you're worthy of love, can be a brainstorming session or postmortem on dates both good and bad, but will also serve as a reminder to yourself that you're where you need to be right now.
Dear Eric: My friend of 40 years moved away several years ago. I helped in many ways with her move. I called and visited, driving two hours to see her.
She called me recently to tell me all the things she does not like about me, some pretty cruel stuff, and I was crushed. I told her that I was going to keep my distance and let her go. To my surprise she walked away and accepted the break-up.
I thought of trying to work it out, yet I feel so hurt and truly do not want to be friends with someone who would treat me this way. She is one of those people who is ravaged with anger. I am not this way. Maybe we grew apart. Any parting thoughts? -- An Old Friend
Dear Friend: Though this friend treated you unfairly and was unnecessarily cruel, she did do one good thing: she removed herself from your life. Forty years is a long time to be friends with someone, so I understand the grief that you're feeling. But 40 years is also a long time to put up with someone not being happy for you. I wonder how many slights or smaller cruelties you had to deal with over the years.
Try to allow yourself the space and time to mourn this loss, while also reminding yourself that you deserve to be supported in the way that you support friends. Your former friend's lashing out was more a reflection of the way she sees the world than of your place in it.
send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.
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