I don't know about you guys, but yet again, I did not receive an invite to the Royal Family's annual holiday festivities. Not gonna lie, it stings.
So from this day forward, the only monarch I officially recognize is Queen Latifah. Yeah, I said it.
Anyway, since we aren't on the Royals' guest list, I have the next best thing: their weird, wild, and wacky Christmas traditions!
What do you get the ruler who has almost everything? Duh, a leather toilet seat. According to Elle, King Charles once received exactly that on a fateful Christmas Eve.
It's not rude; it's tradition. The Royal Family opens gifts the night before Christmas with one rule: the presents must be cheap and ridiculous. The goal is to get the biggest laugh out of the room.
Don't get bold and challenge the Duchess to a heated round of Monopoly. It could land you in a dungeon!
Okay, maybe not a dungeon, but board games, specifically Monopoly, are a major no-no on Christmas. Marie Claire reports that the ban started when Queen Elizabeth II declared the game was "too vicious."
As for nixing TV, the outlet says King Charles wants the focus on family and not "Heated Rivalry" on HBO Max. Full transparency: they didn't cite the smoldering hockey romance as an example. I just made my best guess at what's on their must-see list.
According to the Independent, a former royal chef revealed, "[Children] aren't allowed to sit with the adults until they have learned the art of polite conversation."
No fair! What about adults who haven't mastered the art of interesting conversation? Can Great Uncle Nigel be sent to the Tower of London for a time-out? No one wants to hear about his ingrown toenail while trying to enjoy brunch.
Every guest at Sandringham House, where the family celebrates the holiday, must step on an antique scale before and after Christmas dinner. CBS News says the tradition dates back to King Edward VII, who reportedly wanted evidence that his guests had truly partaken in the extravagant, multi-course banquets -- preferably by putting on a few pounds in the process.
Look, I'm all for a good time, but if someone asks me to hop on a scale at their holiday soirée, we're gonna have problems. Also, I weigh myself in the nude for total accuracy, and that usually doesn't go over well when there are 70 guests watching.
Don't just swing by all loosey-goosey whenever it's convenient to the Royal Christmas. The Telegraph reports that guests are supposed to arrive in order of seniority, with King Charles and Queen Camilla arriving last. This pecking order makes sure the monarch is never left waiting. So, make sure your Uber or horse-drawn carriage shows up on time.
Under no circumstance should anyone put King Charles' Christmas tree out on the curb early. So, turn off that wood chipper and pay attention. It's actually royal tradition to keep Christmas decorations up at Sandringham House until February 6th, to honor the anniversary of King George VI's death.
So, next time someone nags you to take down the 12-foot-tall inflatable Santa Claus on your front lawn, tell them you're just following royal protocol and they can go straight to heck!
Excuse my language, that one hit close to home.
Merry Christmas, everyone! May your holiday be full of love, laughter, and absolutely zero scales after dinner.