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THERE'S NO QUESTION that pregnancy and parenthood are massive life shifts. As someone who just recently gave birth, I can tell you this firsthand. The person carrying the baby is going through endless physical and emotional changes, while the person not carrying the baby is navigating a road to a vast change.
Once the baby, or babies, arrive, everyone is thrown for a loop: exhaustion, shifting priorities, and an endless mental load of learning and surviving, all while trying to enjoy such a unique and precious time. Oh, and the person who just gave birth is also experiencing the most significant hormonal shift they'll ever have while still recovering physically from pregnancy and delivery. As the little one gets bigger, the parenting load continues to grow.
All of which is to say, it makes a lot of sense that many new parents go through what is known as the "roommate phase." Jara Bender, a therapist, describes it as a time when "the focus shifts from their romantic relationship to practical parenting duties." So, how do we take this common experience and figure out how to be proactive and create a toolkit to foster intimacy (both physically and emotionally) that respects everyone's needs and current state? Let's dive in.
IF YOU HAVEN'T been pregnant, it's almost impossible to understand how it affects the birthing person's relationship with their body. Every single day is different. Imagine waking up every day for almost 10 months not knowing how your body will feel, what clothes will fit you, what you'll have energy for... the list goes on and on. And then there's postpartum.
Our "bounce back" culture shames birthing people for not looking like their old selves as fast as possible, and people are constantly commenting on their bodies. Even if it is framed positively (e.g., "Wow, you're losing weight so fast! You look so great!), it's challenging. A lot of birthing people feel very disconnected from their bodies, do not recognize their bodies in the mirror, and can't possibly think about sharing the body that they feel weird or insecure in with anyone else, even someone they feel safe with.
On top of that, the drop in estrogen during the postpartum period -- and other hormonal shifts with breastfeeding, etc. -- can affect libido. Oh, and on top of this, a lot of birthing people report feeling "touched out," which is something you can check in on, too. You can help your partner with this by being empathetic to the changes, getting curious, supporting them, complimenting them on their strength and how beautiful they are, and having a conversation about what kind of physical touch would feel good to them. Try not to take their lack of desire personally. Rest assured that all of this is natural and temporary. The key is not just to say, "Oh, that's normal," and let it continue - emotional and physical closeness is something we must work on, especially during such a wild time with so many factors.
On an emotional level, you're both dealing with sleep deprivation, new identities as parents, and navigating the aforementioned "roommate phase." There is not just a physical toll on you both, but an emotional one, too. Without an emotionally connected foundation, it's really hard to feel good to dive in physically. When we feel understood by our partners, we're more likely to seek closeness in all ways.
You may be wondering what you can do to be proactive about these potential struggles, but don't worry; I'm here to help.
Here are 4 ways to proactively strategize for (re)kindling intimacy during pregnancy, postpartum, and parenthood.
A lot of folks have this idea that couples therapy is only for when things are bad or there's a specific problem to solve. And while, unfortunately, that is how many people treat it, as a couples therapist, I'm here to tell you that the best time to start couples therapy is when there isn't a pressing crisis. Build a therapeutic relationship with someone so that you have that trust already established when issues inevitably arise. In the meantime, you'll be dedicating space to talking about your relationships and learning new skills to help you succeed in the long term.
While this can be done in the context of a couples therapy session, it can also be done at home between the two of you. Just be sure to use non-judgemental and curious language. I created a three-part system for having hard conversations: Acknowledge, Explain, Offer (AEO). If you want to learn more about it, check out this article or this podcast episode.
In my work as a therapist, I talk a lot about the concept of creating containers. That means an intentional space and time for something: so whether that's a container for a conversation, an activity, or something else, it's dedicated space, time, and energy everyone is consenting to.
When we create containers for non-sexual intimacy (even touch), we create space for connection outside of penetrative sex. Do something you love to do together; spend time cuddling, give each other massages, or do a question game... the options are endless. By acknowledging the logistical challenges of parenting, we can take action to carve out moments for connection. Look at what solutions are available. Could you get a sitter? Perhaps you monitor swap with other parents for a night? It's so, so, so important to emphasize quality over quantity with this stuff, especially when rekindling a sex life after having a baby.
Did you get to hug for ten extra seconds? Celebrate it. Find a time to go out and get a drink? Celebrate it. Found time for a movie in the living room while the baby was napping? Celebrate it. Did it feel good to snuggle naked for 10 minutes? Celebrate it. When we focus on what is happening versus what is not happening, we will get more of the things we want.
In addition to (re)kindling intimacy during pregnancy, postpartum, and parenthood, it's also important to support your partner's needs and desires. Now, do not get me wrong - your needs matter too. I cannot emphasize that enough. There are so many narratives about how the non-birthing person's needs don't matter, and that's just false. With that said, the birthing person is objectively going through a lot more physically and usually emotionally, mainly due to those fun hormones that are ever-changing. We'll get to know how to take care of yourself, too, but first, I want to touch on supporting your partner's needs and desires during this time.
First off, learn how to attune to your partner. Learn their cues. Learn their style of communication, and be patient with them. They may yell one day (thanks, hormones) and cry the next and apologize for it between mood swings. Or, they could not be affected much at all by the hormonal swings of pregnancy and postpartum and simply be exhausted from the transition into parenthood. I highly recommend reading the book Matrescence to understand more of what goes on. Be gentle with your partner. Ask them how you can initiate both non-sexual physical touch and also sexual touch in a way that feels respectful and free of any pressure.
Second, don't underestimate the power of affirmation, reassurance, and compliments. As your partner's brain, body, and whole being are changing, it can feel overwhelming. Hearing verbal affirmations or specific, sincere compliments can help rebuild confidence and emotional connection. And listen to feedback. If you compliment a hairstyle and your partner asks you not to talk about their hair, you didn't do anything wrong - just take the feedback and make it about something different the next time. Remember, you're on the same team here.
Not sure where to start with the compliments? Here's some help - but remember, compliments work best when genuine. So please only use these as inspiration and certainly don't say them if they're not true for you.
I WILL SAY this until I'm blue in the face... your needs matter! To be a good partner, you have to fill up your own cup too -- but not at the expense of your relationship. If you're pre-having a baby, I highly recommend talking about how you want to handle a period in which sex is off the table, and libido may be all over the place and often low for many birthing people. There isn't a one-size-fits-all solution here. For some, this is an increase in masturbation. For others, it's making agreements about having sexual relationships with other people. And for some, it's not about sex but rather about making sure there's time to work out, sleep, see friends, and do other things to manage your stress. Making a list of activities that fill your self-care cup so that you can pick from your self-care menu can be very helpful when you need it.
And one other note on taking care of yourself: please remember that if your partner turns down sex, please try to receive the 'no' graciously and without feeling wholly rejected. If they're not up for penetrative sex, what are they up for? Nothing sexual? Okay, how about some naked snuggles? Nothing physical? How about some emotional intimacy? It's your responsibility to handle your emotions around the 'no,' and if you want to talk about how your partner can say no differently, you can set up a container to do that. It's important to try not to build up resentment, so sharing your feelings about feeling rejected is important - but timing and delivery are very important and can make or break the conversation.
Rebuilding intimacy, physical and otherwise, is a journey that takes time, communication, and mutual effort. Still, at the end of the day, your relationship can be even deeper and more fulfilling than it was before becoming parents. It opens up a whole new world of connection and adventure. While that may come with grief, anxiety, some resentment, fear, and a giant lack of sleep, it also comes with opportunities for more meaningful connection.